worst month ever?

my senior today asked "just tell me... it wasn't the worst month of your life..."

there was a long pause.

my life has been wonderful so maybe it's not fair. but this past month in the NICU was definitely one of the worst. and my last night on call was no exception. of course, we had to go out with a bang.

ironically, i had the fewest admissions and delivery codes last night but the babies who were already in the unit were sick. 3 of them needed to be reintubated, two of them needed spinal taps, and the sickest baby ended up dying at 5am. as the poor mom looked on, sobbing and wailing... the entire medical team could do nothing.

the most painful part is that we were probably all thinking the same thing... thank god for taking this baby away. we all felt she was suffering and that we could do nothing to save her nor the family that just couldn't accept withdrawing care. the pain in that room was as palpable as the mom's cries were desperate.

i left finally. with mixed feelings. i'm attached to the babies i've taken care of for the entire month. but i'm so relieved to be not responsible anymore. i know that at least a couple of them won't make it to leave the unit, but i try to remember the ones that will.

tonight, our team is going to celebrate with dinner at Coast. i've never been and it'll be our last meal in chicago before our trip to EUROPE! :)

Reliving a very stressful moment of my life

Today is Match Day. Except this time, I'm not a fourth year medical student, matching into a residency program. Looking back, this was an incredibly stressful time... probably the most life-defining moment that I've ever experienced. The second most life-defining moment being the time I found I had gotten into medical school in the first place. But I digress.

Here's my post from last year... It was brief because I was over-run with emotions but was in too much shock to really convey how I was feeling.

This morning, I went to Match Day to support my wonderful friend and it was as intense experiencing this from the other side as it was last year. I didn't want to be there because it brought back so many confusing memories but I wanted to be supportive so there was no other place I'd rather be.

I hope one day we get rid of the Match process. It's such a mind-game. and it's unnecessary torture.

On the upside of things, there are some great people staying on in our program so I'm pleased.

back in the NICU

In September, I had the hardest month of my intern year because I was working in the NICU (=neonatal intensive care unit). I'm back for my second month there now... which might explain my long absences. I'm keeping track of my hours again. This past week, I only worked 71.5 hours, which is pretty good! Better than my personal record last time of 94 hours in a week.

Everyone tried to be encouraging and said that the second month in the NICU is "SO MUCH BETTER." Well. I'm still waiting for it be better. It's better in the sense that I sort of know what I'm doing now, but not really. It's also worse now because instead of just being overwhelmed and hating the fact that I'm overwhelmed. Now, I'm just hating the fact that I have to work there.

Despite that, I'm also trying to have a postive attitude. I had a great call night last week. I got a chance to actually lie down at around 12:30am, even though I kept getting paged all night long and had to get up a couple hours later to make sure a baby wasn't going to die on me. Still, it was a great call night and I wouldn't complain half as much if all my call nights this month went like that. :) (Doubt it... but one can hope).

Last night, I went to see Zodiac, after having dinner at this great little Vietnamese restaurant on Argyle St. Zodiac was scary and intense and really really captivating. Plus, Jake Gyllenhaal is beautiful.